Have I gotten through culture shock?

To answer that question...I don't know. I don't know what I am doing. I literally take life day by day. Yes I am a planner by nature but God has taught me that His plans are better. A dear mentor of mine gave me 2 Bible verses that I keep by my stove (cooker as they call it here). The one I have forged in my memory is 2 Samuel 22:33 "God is my strength and power, And He makes my way perfect." Wow, that takes the pressure off! I don't have to strive! (Yet I still find myself doing it).

Back to the culture shock thing: I hit it pretty hard in February. My seasoned friend that has been her over 10 years but not native to Ireland reassures me that she thinks I am doing just fine. When we went to our interviews and seminars at OM USA in Feb of 2008 we learned that we would go through culture shock. When we went to our orientation in Germany in January 2009 we learned, we are going to go through it. The different forms it takes on, but that it does end (just not too much info on how to get through it). And as I talked to a friend that has been here for ~5 years (?) his response was said laughingly but serious, "oh yeah, you're definitely going to go through it." So the question is, have I gone through it? Well some of you can attest to my episode at the end of February where I asked for prayer from my closest friends, and all I have to say is, if that was not it, Lord help me!...and those around me! :)

There are parts of Ireland that I love but when we were taught about entering a culture different than that you grew up in and were accustomed to, you usually enter with an amazement and awe! They almost describe it as a euphoria, or as our team leader calls it, "having your rose colored glasses on." I don't think I have had rose colored glasses. I am a preparer. As a lifeguard (in my teenage years), we always had to train for worst case scenario so when it came we would react in the proper manner and procedure. That is how I have managed most of my life. However, that is not the healthiest way. There is something to be said for being prepared but it can also lead to paranoia, and driving your spouse crazy. So needless to say, that is how I entered living in a foreign country. I was looking at what I knew we would have to face and preparing myself for the worst to make sure that I could handle it. (Was not prepared for 3rd child).

I realized the other week that one thing I was missing in my heart was making our house a home. The past six years, we lived in Woodstock, GA. Woodstock was a place that was more home to us than anywhere we had lived. We worked hard on getting out of debt with old student loans and irresponsible spending. In doing that we did not spend a lot of money on household items to decorate, none the less, our house had become a cozy home. I realized the other day, that here, our house was functional, but not cozy. We have everything we need, and want. We lack nothing, but I think that what is missing is the creativity that God places in a woman's heart to make her house her home. I thought, why am I so reluctant to do so? I desired to, but also was reluctant to do so. I also appreciated all the neat experiences God has given us since we have been her as you can see on my blog, but deep in my heart did not fully allow myself to fully enjoy and let my guard down enough to fully, and truly be HERE. I hope this makes sense to you-either that or you just think I am crazy-maybe both. That's okay. I do too. :)

So, I had to ask myself, and God to reveal to me why I am so guarded? Why this wall? I do not want to continue to live the next two years (or however long God has us here) like this. I want to fully jump into what He has for us. So the answer is that I have found or has been revealed to me so far is: I don't want to grow attached to things here only to go through the heartbreak of saying goodbye to this and go to what God has in store for us next, if this is not it when the time comes. But I think to truly enjoy this, I have to let go of some of home. More than I was willing to let go of. I know with my pregnancy cravings I talk a lot about food that I miss, but I realized that is also me hanging on to every little familiar thing I can.

Now I wake up mornings and I do not feel like I am living in someone else's world. I look out and the sight of the sheep fields is becoming familiar, not so foreign. The walks that we take are not so much exploring and finding out new things, making myself and the kids get out of the house, despite the wind, but going out to do the familiar. Going through the grocery store is not merely survival of getting what we know we will need and what the kids will eat, but looking at new things, and the new things aren't so new. Pulling out into intersections does not take a lot of thought of which side of the road I should be on and how and when to shift gears, but I am just simply driving now. I am not as concerned of being the foreigner walking down the street and standing out as I am getting used to the correct terminology of things, and accept that I AM a foreigner. I don't have to fit in and really shouldn't. This world is not my home and I am to be in this world but not of it (per Bible). There is nothing that has taught me that more than truly being a foreigner.

The song playing, "Never Let Go" has taken on more meaning. "Amazing Grace" has captured my heart. I cannot even fully sing the words to the song as it hits so close to my heart, not because of the ties with Ireland but being a wretch saved by grace is just overwhelming. Taking communion every Sunday has made me through accountability to my Savior (thanks to the preaching of Vance Pitman from Hope Baptist Church in Las Vegas on a sermon on Communion while on a missions trip in LV) kneel in repentance towards Him before I dare take for granted His sacrifice for me. And driving down the road by myself from a doctor's appointment that took 3 hours to wait for, and almost one hour to drive to and then home from has opened up conversation to my Savior that is there for me when I am all by myself and don't have my spouse to talk to, my household routine to hide behind, my friends to chat with on FB or Skype and it is just me and Him. I was told that loneliness is a blessing. I could comprehend it, but I can appreciate it now, and do appreciate it. I am not depressed, but I do have a spot that is more recognizable where I need the Lord, when all else is silenced. Where there is nothing but Him. And I am thankful for that.