So why am I anxious and grumpy?

Today was a great day. The day started with blueberry pancakes-always a good start to the day. Then I watched some Andy Griffith with Griffin and we made a model clay ship. Then it was time to go to the church to plant flowers for the bench at Kidzstock. I came home, we had someone come and look at the house (no news yet), but an answer to prayer, and then I got to rock my baby to sleep, take a nap, have supper brought home by my wonderful husband and son, hang out and then put the kids to bed. By the time the kids got in bed I felt like running, getting out of the house, taking a bubble bath, or just escaping somehow...just an AAAHHH I need time to myself kind of moment. How on earth could I be feeling this way with such a great day?

Then it hit me. Today was harder than I let on-to myself. Today we planted bushes at a bench in Kidzstock. It is a bench that faces the cross on top of the church. There are two plaques there. One signifying that this bench is there in honor of Jesus Christ through Whom our faith rests that we as moms will see our little ones in heaven someday. The Scripture on the second plaque is Isaiah 61:1-3-Jesus's mission statement.

I really don't know what to say. There we were. Our mentor mom from MomCare, (She lost her first child right after birth. She is now a mother of 7 and a grandmother), my friend Andrea (who just lost one of her twins in September, and has the other twin at home doing great and gaining weight), Allison (pregnant and due in January), Sherry (it was her 40th birthday today, is blessed by 2 great boys), two boys (Suzanne's son and Sherry's son) and me (I have lost 5 babies through miscarriage and have been abundantly blessed by 2 precious children).

Going through the grieving process with Andrea is hard. I would not want to do anything else in the world but walk through it with her. One thing that I really could relate to is the statement she made that Matthew was not a mistake. I echo that sentiment LOUDLY. We don't always understand why, but we know that no baby is a mistake. God does not make mistakes.

Just to see what she is going through and having to wait on God to work on her heart (and mine) is hard. My heart hurts for her.

I heard Lori Apon, a widowed mother of eight say a couple of years ago, "God is good, even when we don't understand what good is." When Lori, Suzanne, or Mary Madeline Whittinghill talk, I listen. And that is a good statement that is true and I will cling to. There are many things I don't understand. But I know He is good. He has proven that to me over and over and over. Not just through His word (as if that is not enough) but through my personal relationship with Him. Like John said at Matthew's funeral, this walk of Faith is not a faith that is convenient, or easy, but it is one that works. That is the only faith that offers a solution and a hope. That is what makes it different from all other religions. John was much more eloquent.

Jesus is not a way, but the way. If you do not know Him or the hope that comes only through Him but would like to talk more about it I would love to hear from you. If you are unsure or whether you would go to heaven or not when you die, or are struggling with anything regarding this I would love to talk to you.

Ludie and I always say there are no coincidences. Just to show how good God really is, He allowed us to see the first person that He was ministered to through the project (for lack of a better term). There was a lady that had a baby die of SIDS that found out what we were doing and came to talk to us. There is more to that story but I noticed that she took a picture of us on the bench with our shovels, with her own camera and not just the one we brought to commemorate the occasion. Maybe a small part of the healing process for her, and one for me. God is so good to allow us to see that.

The fund to minister to moms going through this is the Matthew Miller Fund (named after John and Andrea's son that went to be with the LORD September, 25, 2008. If you would like to find out more info, you can contact me. If you would like to contribute, you can make a check payable to FBCW and put Matthew Miller Fund on the memo line. Address info to send the check can be found at FBCW.org.

Lots Going On.-Matthew Miller-Love Loud.

Well it has been a busy past two weeks. I have not been going to bed before midnight-which is late for me. I prefer 9 hours sleep. HA! I really just find it hard getting organized and keeping the house and family running. I know that this is just a different time in our lives. It is not a normal season, but we have been living in this season of transition in our lives for so long it is starting to feel like normal.

I have to admit I have been indulging in some Barbara time and reading a book that a friend gave me a year ago. Why did I wait so long to read it? It is Wild Heatherby Catherine Palmer. The first two chapters were a little dry but after that I could not put it down. I even locked myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes of uninterrupted reading-a mommy trick that I hear is very common.

The biggest news that happened is that Griffin prayed with Ludie. On September 28th, 2008 Griffin. I really feel that God has used his memory verses from the SPARKS program at church to work on his heart. On is James 2:10 "For whoever shall keep the whole law, And yet stumble in one point, He is guilty of all." Another big verse God has used in his life is Acts 16:31 "Believe on the Lord, Jesus Christ, and you will be saved." He believes on the Lord Jesus (not just in-even the demons believe in Him, but on is to trust in Him) and repented (turned from wanting to do as he pleases and surrendering to do what God wants him to-turning away from sin and to God). Ludie got to baptize him. I don't think there is anything more precious than seeing your children saved. It is something I have wanted for him for so long, but I cannot do it for him. It is a work God must do in his heart and he choses to accept it or not.

We are waiting for our house to sell or lease. If you know of anyone interested in either please send them our way! Click on the link to the right to view our house. I have to admit, since we neutralized the walls it has taken our own personal touch out. I have had the overwhelming urge to decorate and create a home. God has had to redefine my definition of making a home. I have had to go from a house that looks like a Southern Living Magazine to one that is filled with love and laughter. I knew that before but there is a difference of a conception and carrying that out when you are in a setting that you would not normally be. Does that make sense or am I just rambling since it is after 10pm?

I cannot tell you why we are still here. Only God can answer that. I know beyond a doubt that we are called to Ireland, but only God knows the timing and why. He has been gracious to show us benefits and give us blessings of being here as well as remove some dross too.

One blessing is extra time to be with our wonderful family and friends. We got to spend a couple days with my 91 year old grandmother. What a treasure! To talk to a godly woman. Find out what her wishes for future generations are, what her favorite Bible verse is, her views on life and to hear her wisdom. I am so grateful for a husband that asks her such wonderful questions when I was paralyzed with the thought that this may be the last chance I get to see her this side of heaven since we are planning on God answering our prayers about leaving for Ireland soon. She is in great health, but she is also 91 (92 on Nov 15th). It was so amazing that I know God really did bless that time.

Another blessing is that it has been a blessing to be a blessing. I say this only because there is no good in me. The only good in me is that which comes from God. Recently a friend that has grown dear to me has lost one of her precious twins. We have had 5 miscarriages but none to term. Each person's road is different but I cannot imagine going through what this family has gone through. It is amazing to see God's grace at work in the good but even moreso in the hard. A dear lady I admire, a widow and mother of 8 once said, "God is good, even when we don't understand what good is." Due to the sustaining hand of God and ability to heal and restore my heart through the our children going to be with the Lord, God has given me a heart to reach out to women that are hurting through the grief of the loss of their children. This past week we have been approved to establish a Matthew Miller fund. Below is part of a proposal that was approved by our church to reach out to hurting moms in the church and in the community.

God’s word says in Isaiah 61 (Jesus’ mission statement):
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me, To preach good tidings to the poor; H has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, …To comfort all who mourn …To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

In our church/community playground there is a bench facing the cross on the worship center with plaques to show that this bench is dedicated to the glory of God, a place to honor the healing of our hearts as moms that have lost children through the healing touch of Jesus Christ. We are now going to plant perennials around the bench to give it some small privacy and also be a beautiful reflection place.

The Matthew Miller Fund (in honor of John and Andrea Miller's son) is being established through the MomCare ministry of our church to have bricks engraved with the names of babies and the dates they were born into the presence of their Savior.
This could also lead the women that are going through a grieving process to the opportunity to be loved on by the MomCare ladies.

We have also been approved to write a devotional regarding Gods healing through such circumstances. These would be available to anyone in the church to give to anyone that is going through a time such as this in their life in the church or in the community.

The bench would be an outreach to the community. We could work through the Sunday School classes to let their neighborhoods know that the bench is at the church playground, and have this as an outreach to the community.

Therefore...anyone interested in writing a devotion and emailing it to me I would appreciate it. Or if you would like to donate money to the Matthew Miller Fund to have a reserve for bricks, just make your check payable to the church and then ear mark it Matthew Miller Fund and put it in the offering plate. Any Home Depot gift certificates or Pikes gift certificates would be welcome. I don't think it will cost over $100 to plant around the bench.