So why am I anxious and grumpy?

Today was a great day. The day started with blueberry pancakes-always a good start to the day. Then I watched some Andy Griffith with Griffin and we made a model clay ship. Then it was time to go to the church to plant flowers for the bench at Kidzstock. I came home, we had someone come and look at the house (no news yet), but an answer to prayer, and then I got to rock my baby to sleep, take a nap, have supper brought home by my wonderful husband and son, hang out and then put the kids to bed. By the time the kids got in bed I felt like running, getting out of the house, taking a bubble bath, or just escaping somehow...just an AAAHHH I need time to myself kind of moment. How on earth could I be feeling this way with such a great day?

Then it hit me. Today was harder than I let on-to myself. Today we planted bushes at a bench in Kidzstock. It is a bench that faces the cross on top of the church. There are two plaques there. One signifying that this bench is there in honor of Jesus Christ through Whom our faith rests that we as moms will see our little ones in heaven someday. The Scripture on the second plaque is Isaiah 61:1-3-Jesus's mission statement.

I really don't know what to say. There we were. Our mentor mom from MomCare, (She lost her first child right after birth. She is now a mother of 7 and a grandmother), my friend Andrea (who just lost one of her twins in September, and has the other twin at home doing great and gaining weight), Allison (pregnant and due in January), Sherry (it was her 40th birthday today, is blessed by 2 great boys), two boys (Suzanne's son and Sherry's son) and me (I have lost 5 babies through miscarriage and have been abundantly blessed by 2 precious children).

Going through the grieving process with Andrea is hard. I would not want to do anything else in the world but walk through it with her. One thing that I really could relate to is the statement she made that Matthew was not a mistake. I echo that sentiment LOUDLY. We don't always understand why, but we know that no baby is a mistake. God does not make mistakes.

Just to see what she is going through and having to wait on God to work on her heart (and mine) is hard. My heart hurts for her.

I heard Lori Apon, a widowed mother of eight say a couple of years ago, "God is good, even when we don't understand what good is." When Lori, Suzanne, or Mary Madeline Whittinghill talk, I listen. And that is a good statement that is true and I will cling to. There are many things I don't understand. But I know He is good. He has proven that to me over and over and over. Not just through His word (as if that is not enough) but through my personal relationship with Him. Like John said at Matthew's funeral, this walk of Faith is not a faith that is convenient, or easy, but it is one that works. That is the only faith that offers a solution and a hope. That is what makes it different from all other religions. John was much more eloquent.

Jesus is not a way, but the way. If you do not know Him or the hope that comes only through Him but would like to talk more about it I would love to hear from you. If you are unsure or whether you would go to heaven or not when you die, or are struggling with anything regarding this I would love to talk to you.

Ludie and I always say there are no coincidences. Just to show how good God really is, He allowed us to see the first person that He was ministered to through the project (for lack of a better term). There was a lady that had a baby die of SIDS that found out what we were doing and came to talk to us. There is more to that story but I noticed that she took a picture of us on the bench with our shovels, with her own camera and not just the one we brought to commemorate the occasion. Maybe a small part of the healing process for her, and one for me. God is so good to allow us to see that.

The fund to minister to moms going through this is the Matthew Miller Fund (named after John and Andrea's son that went to be with the LORD September, 25, 2008. If you would like to find out more info, you can contact me. If you would like to contribute, you can make a check payable to FBCW and put Matthew Miller Fund on the memo line. Address info to send the check can be found at FBCW.org.